Mooman, that beautiful bastard. He's all around witty and likeable, and let's face it--Mooman rawks. In the long run, the winner was decided by the people, and the people like the Mooman because he in turn likes the people. It's a vicious circle, and I'm sure within the year we'll hear news of some horrible cult activity involving no less than massive blood orgies and cannibalism.

But I digress. I suppose I could also blame the loss on any number of other things, such as el niņo (as timely as that joke is), George W. Bush, or Africa. But when it comes right down to it, he beat me fair and square. Barely so, but clearly so.

I'm utterly devoid of preperation in these things; I just sat down at the drawing board and some hour or two later was staring at a piece of paper with marks on it. Generally while I was staring at this paper I was either saying "where the hell did that come from?" or "I want an hour or two of my life back now." I'm glad to see my rather impromptu comics were as well recieved as they were, all things considered. If I wasn't so lazy I would've colored 'em too, like the previous round, and that might have tipped some scales. Woulda, coulda, shoulda, as they say.

Now now, no sense making fun of the general public. That said, yes they are, and fie on anyone who is offended, ha ha ha ha!

Seriously, though, drugs aren't a laughing matter, even when it's a clown doing drugs. This just goes to show that yew should angle tuna in the perdiferous sausage mountan fizzle.

I'm going to Disney World! Huzzah!

Oh wait, no I'm not. Nevermind that a corpse wouldn't fit in, I'm a poor college yokel from Montana, that savage land of cowboys and gunbattles. I had to shoot thirty some odd varmints to use this here computer tonight. Come to think of it, I shouldn't be able to use the internet like this considering we don't yet have electricity.

Good gravy I'm rambling quite a bit. Is that a bad thing?

I'm going to assume two possible meanings from this: One, you meant to spell "wallet," and two, you meant to spell "valet."

If you're asking for your wallet, no I haven't seen it. Under the couch, maybe? Perhaps it was swallowed by the lecton dimention?

If you're asking for your valet, I have him right here, tied and gagged. I don't figure a lowly servant like him would fetch much in the way of ransom, but so help me god if I won't still mail you one of his toes every week.

Truly, would not an enlightened monarch be the best form of rule?

Surely, it is so.

Suppose then, that this hypothetical monarch were guided by the hand of God himself. Would this not be the highest form of enlightenment?

Yea, verily so.

These two points aside, it can be safely assumed that I would look ravishing in a dress, can it not?

There is no other assumption to be made.

---

...what? Now I'm confused.

A few: Congratulations to everyone participating, because I had one hell of a time. Especially congrats to Mooman, for his stunning victory(and good looks).

Thanks to everyone who read it and kept up, too.

Beyond that, here's a few additional commas: ,,, ,, , ,,,, ,, ,,,

Apart from my rugged good looks, wicked sense of humour and elbows of steel, I'd have to say it was my healthy attitude to international fraud and black market pharmacy.

I also spent many months in hard training to ensure I was in my best condition. Most of that I decided to spend alone at the peak of the Himalayas, with nothing but a penknife and a personal entourage of 30 certified survival experts to aid me. Unfortunately, I had to kill every one of them with my bare hands due to them attempting to mutiny after I kept throwing their food supplies into a nearby ravine. Some people just can't take a joke.

Oh, and all those steroids I took.

Well, I've had a few little side projects that I've been waiting for an opportunity to do. For a while now I've been wanting to take up professional leprosy, you know, compete nationally.

Apart from that there's been several musical opportunities, with my upcoming reggae album with Kevin Spacey due to be released in the next month. We had a great time recording that one, especially for this one track which we based on the financial decline of the textile industry. We actually managed to snooker Edward Norton into doing the monolgue half way through the song. It was great cause the whole time he was saying it me and Kev were spraying him with this super soaker we had filled up with pancake mix. I mean, who knew he was allergic?! How we did laugh.

It was a shame Kevvy contracted cholera and died before we could finish the album though. Fortunately, we were able to piece all his remaining parts together from old Led Zeppelin songs we had found in the booth next door.

I usually respond with a swift right hook. If I'm in a weird mood though, I'll sometimes just sedate them with this hollowed out GI Joe that I fire a poisoned dart through.

Bring a packed lunch, the service is terrible.

Neither. I never really cottoned onto the idea of slowly pouring boiling water down your throat.

Well, I had most of them hollowed out and then stuffed to adorn my country manor. I then employed a skilled engineer to fashion their insides into a rather nifty scooter that I use to nip down to the shops whenever I run out of fake chocolate kitchen utensils to tease the cooking staff with.

The other corpses were donated to charity.

I'd like to thank my manager, my therapist, my backstage crew, my auctioneer, my toiletries specialist, my hypnotist and my personal parlour magician, Xavinzidar Magnifico. He does this great piece were he makes your neck disappear. Some people claim that his use of a chainsaw is not proper magical practice, but to them I say 'Shut your face, you titty-twisting bum thumber!!' and then hit them with this over-sized plastic banana I tend to carry around.

I'd also like your readers to be on the look-out for my autobiography, which should hit shops like a ton of wet bricks next February. I really dish the dirt on several people, including the entire nation of Canada. There's also a list of my favourite suicides and a really great wordsearch on the back. You can also read about my infamous trip to Paraguay, and we've included a special pull-out personally acknowledging every single fatality. It's a smashing read, and you can almost taste the arrogance.